03/16/04

No updates this time, just will say that everything is the SAME. I am not taking any more SSRI's and trying my best not to take clonazepam. Little progress has happened to this but notheless it still is small progress.

I am at work right now, and as I have mentioned before, the cold sensations are here sitting with me. My legs feel ice cold and let me remind every1 that my back and left leg still hurt like hell and I am STILL taking tylennol too many times a day just to get by and be able to work.
What else Can I say? I am still stick, still thinking negatively and still in a bad place. I am trying though to work things out, but nothing is going right. I gained weight and my whole body is in stretch marks. Can you imagine that?? 20lbs, that's all it took to give me all kinds of red lines on my stomach, love handles, armpits and thighs. NASTYYYY.

Yesturday was a terrible painfull day. At about 3:00pm I just started feeling bad. Everything hurt arms, legs, body, head, and anything else you can mention. I am not being descriptive only because it all felt so strange and painfull that I cannot explain the feeling. So what did I have to do by 9:00 pm, I mean I couldn't handle it anymore, I took a klonapin (clonazepam) and then a hour later Lunesta and passed the fuck out. Today is pretty much the same story except I am all cold and its just getting worse as the day goes by.

Let me tell you about the headaches. I have had a headache this entire week non stopp pretty much. Fuck it I can't even write anymore I am depressing myself soo much, that I just can't do it. Wish you all luck, but no one reads this crap anyway. I will survive, and I will beat this crap. No matter what the hell it is I will win eventually. Even if it takes years.

Chao.

And so on the search goes.

Today is Monday the 13th of February, and I just wanted to update/recap on some things that have happened this past week. As of today It has been exactly three weeks since I have taken Paxil. Maybe I am still having withdrawal but I started feeling worse after the first two weeks, so from what I know the worse of Paxil withdrawal is during the first two weeks so once again I am without any answers, and with much confusion.

This week starting the previous monday I started feeling all kind of cold scary sensations in my body. Different body parts would go cold and stay that way for a while then they would pass, however I was able to finally sleep without taking Lunesta (sleeping aid) at least 85% of the time which is a great improvement from 100% of the time. Lets just say this has been the longest week of my life, but I don't want to talk about the entire week, just yesturday, Sunday the 12th.

The day was going fine from the beginning a had much plans and had enough to think about yet the cold sensations still started coming and disturbing me. I mean its not just simple cold sensation there is more to it, that makes you feel like something terrible is wrong, but I just can't find words to it. The day went on.... In the evening I decided to watch my favorite show "24" which I have on DVD. This usually takes my mind off of many topics and I get really into it, as I did this time. While eating and laying there watching, all of a sudden I felt this unpleasant feeling my my heart area and it came pretty fast. Once I noticed it and said "wtf" is this, a wave of cold/weird feeling ran through my body, pretty much from my afdoment up to my head. After that my heart was beating very rapidly (over 100 bpm) for a while. I tried taking a shower, talking to my gf, but this did not really help. It was really unpleasant and it really was more to it all that I am expressing. I wanted to call 911 but did not. It got late and I late down to sleep, and started having these really really vivid dreams. Like I was not totally asleep but I was not awake either. I can't say I was having a nightmare but things were wrong. I was trying to open a door in the dark that I always been able to open and for some reason I could not find the lock, there were cats and dogs in my house and they were all fighting for some reason, other than the lil pussy one's hiding in my room. I was trying to get to my room mate but no matter what I tried I could not get to him. At this point I remember thinking and realizing that this is really not my room and that the door that I can't open is in the wrong place. I realized I was dreaming and opened my eyes. Blinked them a couple of times relaxed and closed them again to go to sleep. As soon as I closed them it went all and started continuing, weird vidid thoughts/dreams and were really real and would not go away. I had to resort to Lunesta because I had to get sleep or I would be late for work.

How do I find out what is wrong with me??
Please someone, I don't know how much longer I can fight this battle of symptoms. They refuse to go away no matter what I do.

1/28/06

Its been a while since my last post but i'll ensure everyone nothing good has changed. It is saturday and I am at work because tuesday someone broke into my car and I had to go get it fixed. So now I am making up my hours. SUX.

It has been 5 full days since I have completely stopped taking Paxil. I don't know if I am in withdrawal or just thinking I am in withdrawal but I feel like crap. I feel like I am rotting inside. Like my lungs and other organs are giving way. Its hard to breathe and I can't even take a long walk because I get so exausted and fatigued so quickly that I need to lay down. Sitting doesn't even help. Normally this would have to do with your heart but once again I am being assured it is not my hear. My back and leg still both hurt a lot and I am still popping pain killers everyday to get by. There are sooo many more symptoms but there is no point in listing them because no one is really listening or giving any feedback.
Two things will come out of all this one day.

1) Either I will overcome this dreaded nervous/mental state and go on to live a normal life
or
2) They will finally find what's wrong with me and either I will die sooner or later from it or be put on MORE pills to make a pathetica attemt at life.

Well I am only 23 and was pretty much happy only 8 months ago. Me now 8 months late is now a different person. I hate existing.

I don't know what to do. I honestly dont.

1/06/06 Cont.

Few hourse past and now I just feel plain old sick. I feel like I am sick with some virus or something. I have had this before since all this anxiety started, and people say that anxiety can make you feel anything including feeling sick. Blood tests do not show anything as usual. It is so intense and debilitating that I just cannot bear it much longer. I took .5mg of Clonazepam and it did not do anything to make me feel better. WHY????? It supposed to relax you and if I am stressed and feeling this way it should have helped. I feel like im dying again. WTF, everything is going good in my life. Really I know it, so what is going on with me behind the scenes. It will be such a fuking shame that if some time from now they will finally find what's wrong with me and it will be too late. All I will be able to say is I TOLD YOU SO. I have almost never for a split second believed that I had anything mental. I don't. My body is telling me I am sick but stupid doctors cant find it. I don't even know what tests to do anymore. Fuck yall... stay tuned.

1/06/06

Ok so it is friday. I am still a first line superviser. Good stuff good stuff.

So im sitting there and all of a sudden I feel like a tickling/crackling feeling/sound coming from the base of my skull. Where the skull connects to your spine. In the back. Wtf is this? This is not the first time it happened but this time it lasted for a while and was lounder than usual. What else do I feel? If i close my eyes and try to block all the outside noise out, I feel a warmth in my chest, as well as a feeling that breathing is not comfortable. My hands are trembly but so is the rest of my body. My stomach hurts because of my gastritis. Feel weakness in my whole body. Yesturday and a bit today I kind of felt out of it. It felt like my nerves were a bit shattered and that something is just wrong with me. I can't explain this feeling, it is so bizare.

I decided that I have to break this down into a few goals and I will try my best to keep them.

1) I need to get to a conclusion with my back/leg pain so that I can go to the gym.
2) I will try to quit smoking. I dont' know how that will go. I know I want to but yet I wish I didn't have to.

There are a lot of more goals but I need to get these two out of the way first. I am almost done with cutting my Paxil dose to 10mg for two weeks. Monday I will start taking 5mg for two weeks and then stop. I hope that most of the things I feel are just from this drug. Then again I felt most of this before I started taking it also, so I just do not know.

Life is not bad but I just can't be happy right now. I should be. I think I finally met a girl that can really affect me. I don't know exactly how I feel about her but we are seeing each other and that's good. She unintentionally will try to change me and I already see that. The good thing is that it will be for the better, the bad thing is that I do not listen to anyone except myself.

Karoche vremya pokazhet.
Bye for now.

After New Years 2006

First of all Happy Belated New Years to everyone. Let me begin by saying I went upstate NY for new years. As I watched people skiing I stopped took a step back and really reflected on the fact that my leg and back are screwed up and that I should not skii even though I really wanted to. Then I walked around for about half an hour with a friend and lemme tell you, I came back to the house with my legs being more tired than the people who went skiing. What does that mean?? It means to my anxious self that I have some sever musle atrophy because this was not really a streneous activity, but in reality it means hit the gym because you are out of shape kind of thing. I would, but once again back and leg hurt with not much explanation and getting worse by the day.

Ok back to the celebrating park. First night I got really drunk. And I mean really drunk. I was dancing all over the place, laughing making stupid remarks, my friends started pouring me shots of water instead of grey goose and I didn't even realize, I took them like they were the vodka I thought they were. Then I approached this girl who was laying on the couch and started a really drunken conversation that lasted for a long time. (like 2 hrs) . Let me clear this up a bit. I don't usually do this, in fact I never approached anyone unless I knew they were interested in me. From what people tell me I was talking to her but I was like on top of her or something. I promised her that the next day I would remember everything we spoke about, but after mistereosly waking up in her bed the next morning and asking her wtf happened and what we spoke about, she said since I don't remember it is not important. Oh well, shit happens. I pretty much spent the rest of the 6 days there with her. So yes things between us may lead to something, I don't know. I got away from my symptoms for sometime but they were still there with me pretty much the whole time. I just had other things on my mind.

Its now the 4rth and I am at work and again I feel tightness at the back of my head/neck, my skin is all weird feeling. My eyes feel sensitized, kinda burning like. Chest kinda feels warmish, and some fingers are tingling. I am so tired of this bs. Why doesn't this just go away. How long can this torture go on. I am again having thoughts that this might not be anxiety/nerves but maybe something physiological and I am trying to remind myself that I had a lot of tests that said i am helthy but to no use. My back and leg hurt so much and I feel almost poisoned from taking pain killers on a regular daily basis for several months now. I don't even know what to do. Doctors got no where, I haven't tried a chiropractor. Anyone got thoughts on this.

I don't know what I need. I should be happy and I think I would be if I didn't have all these fucking symptoms. Fuck!!!!!

I'll end at this to everyone:

I wish you all that in 2006 all the things that were bad become good for you, and all the things that were good in 05 get even better in 06.

Adios.

New Day Life Continues

As per the previous blogg post. I went to my psychiatrist yesturday and told him I want to get off my medicine. He said okay, and told me to take half (10mg Paxil) for two weeks and then a quarter for two more weeks, then come and see him after I am off. So this is day two so far so good. I drank yesturday and today didn't wake up feeling all electric like I usually do the next day after drinking. Who knows maybe it was the Paxil, but I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. My psychiatrist also explained to me that I have a autonomic nervous system imbalance. That plus my negative thinking is the problem. The autonomic nervous system has two parts. Sympathetic and Parasympathetic which balance each other. Well I have an imbalance of the two systems and things like nicotene, coffeine, and alcohol screw the impalance up even more. Unfortunately for me all three of these things are a part of my daily life, except the alcohol, but I do drink more that a regular person for several reasons. I am 23 and this is what people my age do in NYC. We go out to a lounge, bar, or club have drinks and enjoy ourselves. My problem is I have a high tolerance or rather I built one up over the years. I am also Russian and it is in my blood to handle vodka very well. I can easily have 10 shots and still be able to drive. Not something to be proud of I know. And to the elderly and mature and read this and think oh gosh this kid what is he doing. Let me respond. First of all YOU were young too, and you did stupid things also when you were young. Later you got older and realized how stupid it all was. Well I am young and at that point where I just want to live and enjoy my youth as much as possible.

Moving on. It is only morning but I am feeling ok. So far no withdrawal but like I said this is day two. (12/27/05) I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah. Im not very religious so I don't celebrate either one but I know how much fun each can be. I'll leave at this point. Wish me a good day. I will be leaving tomorrow for a few days in the mountains to relax so I'll be back in about a week.

Pre to last day as an analyst

12/23/05

I am at work with virtually nothing to do so I am creating this blog for myself and for others to view. Who knows maybe someday this will teach me something about myself or maybe one day depending on the results of my life this will teach other people and be able to help them.

So let me cut to the point, I am sick, and yet I am very very healthy.

I wont go throught the whole story of how it all started but lets just say June of 05 I ended up in the hospital because my left side of my body was going numb, and I had chest pain. I thought I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die. I left the ER being told that I am 100% fine after and EKG and an X-ray and that it was all stress related. Lets backtrack to May. I graduated college after 4 years and signed a job offer. One week later I got another offer that was much better and much closer to home. I had to call the previous company and tell them I will not be working there. This is not a proffesional thing to do. It stressed me out. EXTREMELY. So result --> I had a panic attack. Ever since then I have been gettting worse and worse. I have anxiety all the time, or so I am told and I do not believe one one second that this is whats wrong. I had so many medical tests that pretty much ruled out all physiological diseases but my mind is not convinced.

Right now I feel a tight knot in my throat. My right eye hurts, my hands feel really strange. I can't seem to think about anything else because I don't have any other iterest at the moment. I hate these medicines and will try to get off them asap.

In the past I have had many many symptoms most of them being heart related, neurological, and pain. They change on me all the time. How do I convince myself this is anxiety I don't know. All my research points to the fact that it is NOT CURABLE. I can't live with that. I know this is just fear because I have nothing telling me I have cancer or MS, but I am almost convinced due to my symptoms that I do. It is a mental battle 24/7. Yeah life is great, I moved out live on my own, bught a 2006 Acura TL (what a beuty), but this illness makes life hell.

I am creating this blog to keep track of myself and maybe one day I will realized based on my own thinking how to get out or maybe even help myself.