1/28/06

Its been a while since my last post but i'll ensure everyone nothing good has changed. It is saturday and I am at work because tuesday someone broke into my car and I had to go get it fixed. So now I am making up my hours. SUX.

It has been 5 full days since I have completely stopped taking Paxil. I don't know if I am in withdrawal or just thinking I am in withdrawal but I feel like crap. I feel like I am rotting inside. Like my lungs and other organs are giving way. Its hard to breathe and I can't even take a long walk because I get so exausted and fatigued so quickly that I need to lay down. Sitting doesn't even help. Normally this would have to do with your heart but once again I am being assured it is not my hear. My back and leg still both hurt a lot and I am still popping pain killers everyday to get by. There are sooo many more symptoms but there is no point in listing them because no one is really listening or giving any feedback.
Two things will come out of all this one day.

1) Either I will overcome this dreaded nervous/mental state and go on to live a normal life
or
2) They will finally find what's wrong with me and either I will die sooner or later from it or be put on MORE pills to make a pathetica attemt at life.

Well I am only 23 and was pretty much happy only 8 months ago. Me now 8 months late is now a different person. I hate existing.

I don't know what to do. I honestly dont.

1/06/06 Cont.

Few hourse past and now I just feel plain old sick. I feel like I am sick with some virus or something. I have had this before since all this anxiety started, and people say that anxiety can make you feel anything including feeling sick. Blood tests do not show anything as usual. It is so intense and debilitating that I just cannot bear it much longer. I took .5mg of Clonazepam and it did not do anything to make me feel better. WHY????? It supposed to relax you and if I am stressed and feeling this way it should have helped. I feel like im dying again. WTF, everything is going good in my life. Really I know it, so what is going on with me behind the scenes. It will be such a fuking shame that if some time from now they will finally find what's wrong with me and it will be too late. All I will be able to say is I TOLD YOU SO. I have almost never for a split second believed that I had anything mental. I don't. My body is telling me I am sick but stupid doctors cant find it. I don't even know what tests to do anymore. Fuck yall... stay tuned.

1/06/06

Ok so it is friday. I am still a first line superviser. Good stuff good stuff.

So im sitting there and all of a sudden I feel like a tickling/crackling feeling/sound coming from the base of my skull. Where the skull connects to your spine. In the back. Wtf is this? This is not the first time it happened but this time it lasted for a while and was lounder than usual. What else do I feel? If i close my eyes and try to block all the outside noise out, I feel a warmth in my chest, as well as a feeling that breathing is not comfortable. My hands are trembly but so is the rest of my body. My stomach hurts because of my gastritis. Feel weakness in my whole body. Yesturday and a bit today I kind of felt out of it. It felt like my nerves were a bit shattered and that something is just wrong with me. I can't explain this feeling, it is so bizare.

I decided that I have to break this down into a few goals and I will try my best to keep them.

1) I need to get to a conclusion with my back/leg pain so that I can go to the gym.
2) I will try to quit smoking. I dont' know how that will go. I know I want to but yet I wish I didn't have to.

There are a lot of more goals but I need to get these two out of the way first. I am almost done with cutting my Paxil dose to 10mg for two weeks. Monday I will start taking 5mg for two weeks and then stop. I hope that most of the things I feel are just from this drug. Then again I felt most of this before I started taking it also, so I just do not know.

Life is not bad but I just can't be happy right now. I should be. I think I finally met a girl that can really affect me. I don't know exactly how I feel about her but we are seeing each other and that's good. She unintentionally will try to change me and I already see that. The good thing is that it will be for the better, the bad thing is that I do not listen to anyone except myself.

Karoche vremya pokazhet.
Bye for now.

After New Years 2006

First of all Happy Belated New Years to everyone. Let me begin by saying I went upstate NY for new years. As I watched people skiing I stopped took a step back and really reflected on the fact that my leg and back are screwed up and that I should not skii even though I really wanted to. Then I walked around for about half an hour with a friend and lemme tell you, I came back to the house with my legs being more tired than the people who went skiing. What does that mean?? It means to my anxious self that I have some sever musle atrophy because this was not really a streneous activity, but in reality it means hit the gym because you are out of shape kind of thing. I would, but once again back and leg hurt with not much explanation and getting worse by the day.

Ok back to the celebrating park. First night I got really drunk. And I mean really drunk. I was dancing all over the place, laughing making stupid remarks, my friends started pouring me shots of water instead of grey goose and I didn't even realize, I took them like they were the vodka I thought they were. Then I approached this girl who was laying on the couch and started a really drunken conversation that lasted for a long time. (like 2 hrs) . Let me clear this up a bit. I don't usually do this, in fact I never approached anyone unless I knew they were interested in me. From what people tell me I was talking to her but I was like on top of her or something. I promised her that the next day I would remember everything we spoke about, but after mistereosly waking up in her bed the next morning and asking her wtf happened and what we spoke about, she said since I don't remember it is not important. Oh well, shit happens. I pretty much spent the rest of the 6 days there with her. So yes things between us may lead to something, I don't know. I got away from my symptoms for sometime but they were still there with me pretty much the whole time. I just had other things on my mind.

Its now the 4rth and I am at work and again I feel tightness at the back of my head/neck, my skin is all weird feeling. My eyes feel sensitized, kinda burning like. Chest kinda feels warmish, and some fingers are tingling. I am so tired of this bs. Why doesn't this just go away. How long can this torture go on. I am again having thoughts that this might not be anxiety/nerves but maybe something physiological and I am trying to remind myself that I had a lot of tests that said i am helthy but to no use. My back and leg hurt so much and I feel almost poisoned from taking pain killers on a regular daily basis for several months now. I don't even know what to do. Doctors got no where, I haven't tried a chiropractor. Anyone got thoughts on this.

I don't know what I need. I should be happy and I think I would be if I didn't have all these fucking symptoms. Fuck!!!!!

I'll end at this to everyone:

I wish you all that in 2006 all the things that were bad become good for you, and all the things that were good in 05 get even better in 06.

Adios.