New Day Life Continues

As per the previous blogg post. I went to my psychiatrist yesturday and told him I want to get off my medicine. He said okay, and told me to take half (10mg Paxil) for two weeks and then a quarter for two more weeks, then come and see him after I am off. So this is day two so far so good. I drank yesturday and today didn't wake up feeling all electric like I usually do the next day after drinking. Who knows maybe it was the Paxil, but I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. My psychiatrist also explained to me that I have a autonomic nervous system imbalance. That plus my negative thinking is the problem. The autonomic nervous system has two parts. Sympathetic and Parasympathetic which balance each other. Well I have an imbalance of the two systems and things like nicotene, coffeine, and alcohol screw the impalance up even more. Unfortunately for me all three of these things are a part of my daily life, except the alcohol, but I do drink more that a regular person for several reasons. I am 23 and this is what people my age do in NYC. We go out to a lounge, bar, or club have drinks and enjoy ourselves. My problem is I have a high tolerance or rather I built one up over the years. I am also Russian and it is in my blood to handle vodka very well. I can easily have 10 shots and still be able to drive. Not something to be proud of I know. And to the elderly and mature and read this and think oh gosh this kid what is he doing. Let me respond. First of all YOU were young too, and you did stupid things also when you were young. Later you got older and realized how stupid it all was. Well I am young and at that point where I just want to live and enjoy my youth as much as possible.

Moving on. It is only morning but I am feeling ok. So far no withdrawal but like I said this is day two. (12/27/05) I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah. Im not very religious so I don't celebrate either one but I know how much fun each can be. I'll leave at this point. Wish me a good day. I will be leaving tomorrow for a few days in the mountains to relax so I'll be back in about a week.

Pre to last day as an analyst

12/23/05

I am at work with virtually nothing to do so I am creating this blog for myself and for others to view. Who knows maybe someday this will teach me something about myself or maybe one day depending on the results of my life this will teach other people and be able to help them.

So let me cut to the point, I am sick, and yet I am very very healthy.

I wont go throught the whole story of how it all started but lets just say June of 05 I ended up in the hospital because my left side of my body was going numb, and I had chest pain. I thought I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die. I left the ER being told that I am 100% fine after and EKG and an X-ray and that it was all stress related. Lets backtrack to May. I graduated college after 4 years and signed a job offer. One week later I got another offer that was much better and much closer to home. I had to call the previous company and tell them I will not be working there. This is not a proffesional thing to do. It stressed me out. EXTREMELY. So result --> I had a panic attack. Ever since then I have been gettting worse and worse. I have anxiety all the time, or so I am told and I do not believe one one second that this is whats wrong. I had so many medical tests that pretty much ruled out all physiological diseases but my mind is not convinced.

Right now I feel a tight knot in my throat. My right eye hurts, my hands feel really strange. I can't seem to think about anything else because I don't have any other iterest at the moment. I hate these medicines and will try to get off them asap.

In the past I have had many many symptoms most of them being heart related, neurological, and pain. They change on me all the time. How do I convince myself this is anxiety I don't know. All my research points to the fact that it is NOT CURABLE. I can't live with that. I know this is just fear because I have nothing telling me I have cancer or MS, but I am almost convinced due to my symptoms that I do. It is a mental battle 24/7. Yeah life is great, I moved out live on my own, bught a 2006 Acura TL (what a beuty), but this illness makes life hell.

I am creating this blog to keep track of myself and maybe one day I will realized based on my own thinking how to get out or maybe even help myself.